The Complete Guide to Noobs
Contents:
Section 1: Introduction
I: Important message
II: The purpose of this guide
III: Preface
Section 2: What is a noob?
I: Definition
II: Common mistakes
III: Identifying a noob
Section 3: All about Noobs
I: Noob characteristics and behavior
II: Noobish tongue
III: Subspecies of Noob
IV: Other info
Section 4: Noob survival
I: Encountering a wild noob
II: Defeating noobs
III: Avoiding Noobs
IV: Preventing Noobs
Section 5: Noobishness
I: How to not be a noob
II: Noob lore
III: Conclusion
SECTION 1: INTRODUCTION
I: Important message
Before I begin, I would like to say a few things.
1: Please do not be offended.
If you are actually offended by this guide, chances are you probably are a noob (considering this guide is targeted towards noobs.). This guide was not necessarily meant to be directly offensive. Besides, being a noob is insulting enough, eh? (lol, jk (sort of))
2: This has nothing to do with newbies/newb.
This guide is NOT targeted towards new members/players. A newbie is someone who is new to something, a noob is completely different and is described in full in Section 2. If you are new to this forum, don't flame me or attack me, because this is not about you.
3: Keep your judgements to yourself.
Some of you may see this as immature, if that is so, then don't read this. This is for people who:
A: Want to learn about noobs
B: Want some laughs
C: Have the time to read it
If you're going to judge me, at least read the guide first. Don't judge a book by it's cover (and this would be a book, but I am too lazy to take the time to publish a full guide and sell them).
4: This guide should not encourage offensive, rude, or disruptive behavior
Don't flame random people, noobish or not, or do anything else of the like. The proper way to deal with noobs are described in Section 4. Nevertheless, by making this guide I am not implying that you say offensive or rude things to other people (again, noobish or not). I trust that you make the right decisions, and that the fact that I made this guide does not affect those decisions (hopefully the contents of section 4, will, though).
Section 2: What is a noob?
I: Definition
Noob, noun
A noob is a specific kind of person that is generally stupid, lacks manners or any sort of social dignity, often breaks rules and constantly does things to annoy a person or group of people. If someone is similar to this definition or matches several of the characteristics in Section 3, that person is most likely a noob. In gaming, a noob is also someone who is not exactly inexperienced, but generally bad at that game (or all games of a category). For example, you could say that someone is a noob at first person shooters. It is strongly suggested you DON'T throw this word around lightly at almost everyone. It may seem playful, but chances are, either you are a noob or that person might think you are. Not to mention that noobs will take offense to that (and you know what happens when a noob is offended...).
Some words related to "Noob":
Noobish
1: adjective, A person who is noob-like in nature, a noob, or similar to a noob. It is better to say "nooby" for this purpose.
2: noun, The native tongue of noobs. This language is very primitive, has no grammar structure and is generally difficult to decipher. For more info go to Section 3, part II, Noobish tongue.
Noobishness
1: noun, The amount of noob in a person, how much of a noob a person is.
2: noun, The essence of noob.
Some synonyms for noob:
These are words that mean the same thing as noob, but are used for word choice variety or as emphasis on the noobishness of a noob.
Nub, nubgremlin, nubcakes, sillynub, ultran00b, noob, epic noob, super-noob, noobzorz, etc.
It is relatively simple to make your own noob synonyms by adding extensions or adjectives to the word. Be careful you don't spell it as newb or newbie, as those are completely different things.
II: Common misconceptions
It is crucial that you do not make mistakes when you try to call someone a noob or identify them as one.
Newb and Newbie: A newbie, or newb, is someone who is new to something, or inexperienced at something. A new member of the forums, for example, can be called a newbie. Newbie is not necessarily meant to be an offensive term, just a faster way to refer to a new member. (also applies to gaming)
Noobist: Noobist means discriminating against noobs. Calling someone noobist is not calling them a noob.
Noobish: While it is generally the same as calling someone a noob, keep in mind that someone who is noobish is not as nooby as a noob. They are similar, but different.
Here is an example of how you can define a noob from a newbie from dialogue alone:
Noob: OMG HOW U DO THIS
Newbie: Can someone help me with this, please?
Noob: GIVE ME MONEY PLOX
Newbie: Can someone spare some money?
A newbie will often get help, maybe not money (in terms of gaming), but most likely will get help. Noobs get frustrated and angry when they need help with something, and therefore are often not helped (and remain a pain in the neck).
Newbies are also more willing to learn and fix their errors, while noobs often think of themselves as being cooler or better than everyone else.
III: Identifying a Noob
Here are some pointers on how you can identify a noob:
-Usually they stand out above the rest, probably because they spam and type long meaningless rubbish.
-If the way they speak is difficult to understand or annoying, they are most likely a noob and/or are speaking in noobish.
-While many people may ask for help/items, noobs often beg and whine.
-If they don't leave you alone and generally annoy you (to an extent that a normal person would not do), that person is most likely a noob.
-Anyone who floods and excessively flames is most likely a noob.
-People who call almost everyone a noob are noobs themselves. If you see someone saying "stfu noob", or something similar, that is a hint that that person might be a noob. If he/she does it to two or more different people, that is a confirmed noob.
-Noobs often think better of themselves, and often do so by shunning everyone else. Like "you're all noobs" or "lol you all suck".
-Noobs usually break rules and are stupid, any of these two traits are signs of a noob.
-If you see someone who can't accept defeat, by saying things like "HAXORZ", that person is a noob.
Section 3: All about noobs
I: Noob characteristics and behavior
Apologies in advance if there is any redundancy with the "Identifying a noob" section.
Noobs are generally idiots that are self centered and basically don't have lives. Noobs share a few characteristics with forum trolls (egocentric, arrogant) but are still two very different kinds of people. All noobs speak 'noobish' to some degree, an annoying, idiotic language that is difficult to understand and, again, annoying. To some, this may be hilarious or angering, but try not to retaliate or insult them, as they are angered easily and very territorial. The severity of their speech multiplies drastically with rage, and it makes them worse than before.
A noob's best friends are other noobs. Because of this they often gang up and wreak havoc. Attempting to argue with or talk back at a noob will most likely lead to other noobs backing them up. This will cause a flurry of verbal abuse. Noobs also have no concern for rules whatsoever, and often times they see themselves as the higher authority. On numerous occasions they will also pretend to be a moderator of some sort and threaten to ban you. Since moderators are never noobs, you should not feel threatened, but be wary that they will be relentless when trying to get what they want. They will also beg for passwords, money, and other things because of their lack of skill and inability to do things themselves. It is actually sort of hypocritical (a common characteristic of noobs) that they beg for things (OMG GIVE ME MONEYZ PLOX) even though they think themselves as better than everyone else.
II: Noobish tongue
Most noobs speak in a primitive language referred to as "Noobish". It shows very little intelligence and is often difficult to understand. Noobish, however, is a very flexible tongue and can be spoken to a certain extent, sometimes sounding similar to English and other times are impossible to decipher. Here is a small sample of Noobish. This is a more basic variant of the language. It is possible to decipher, but it would be a complete waste of time to try to discern such idiocy.
U SHUOLD Al GIEV M3 a ZIlION BUX CAUSA IM BtAr THAn u NOOOBZORZ LOL NUBCaeX11!!1!!1! wTF UR mOM DOESn\T LOVe U CuZ U AL SUK CoX lOL FALe1!!!11111wTF U SHUOLD AL gO dRIEV OF a CLIF CAUSE ur JUSt EXTrA POPULATiOnS U FAT LOs3rS
You should all give me a million dollars because I'm better than you noobs, lol nubcakes! Your own mother doesn't love you because you all suck cocks, lolfail. You should all go drive off a cliff because you're just extra population, you fat losers.
Note: This is a real sample of noobish text found on another forum.
Here is a similar sample in a more advanced version of the language, spoken in a game's chatroom (Do not attempt to make sense out of this. It cannot be translated lots of time and experience):
]-[3Y gUY5 I\]\/[ /-\ BI|_i0|\|/-\3R R U?!1!1!!? 0]\/[G |_0|_ |\|0 UR |\|0T CUz U /-\|_ ]\/[/-\3K0Ut WITUR5 I|\| d/-\]\/[IR0R!!!1! 0]\/[GWtF |_0|_ I\]\/[ |_3\/3|_ 2 T/-\]-[T\5 D/-\]-[IG]-[35T |_3\/3|_ P05IB|_3 IDI0T511!1!11! 0]\/[G WTF |_0|_ I\]\/[ 50 ]\/[UC]-[ BT3R T]-[/-\|\| U GI3\/ ]\/[3 ]\/[0|\|3YZ CuZ0Rz I\]\/[ 50 /-\3W50]\/[3 /-\|\|d UR |\|0T |_053R5!!!11!1 0]\/[G |_0|_
[no translation available]
There is a service that allows you to write your own noobish called ENGLISH2N00BISH. Just type that in google, it should be the first result. You can also write a simple version of noobish by throwing your keyboard at the wall or giving it to a monkey.
III: Subspecies of noob
Some noobs are more specialized in a single specific trait. These are subspecies of noob and are not as well rounded as the common noobs are. The most common subspecies of noob is the spammer-noob, who simply type a bunch of garbage repeatedly. Top scientists who specialize in noobology have yet to figure out how they are able to type that much garbage in so little time, however new studies suggest that a technique they may be using is rubbing the keyboard against their butts. This information, however, is not yet confirmed and is still under heavy research.
Another subspecies of noob is the ego-noob, who heavily focus on their ego-centric attitude to shun everyone and praise themselves. They are similar to spammer noobs, in that they repeatedly type random garbage, but they don't do it as fast and they are understandable if they are not speaking an advanced version of N00bish.
The beggar noob can only be found in MMORPG's, and there beggar noobs thrive and are found more than any other species of noob, even the common noob. This noob begs and speaks moderate N00bish, often saying things like "OMG GIVE ME GOLD PLOX", or the like. They can also beg for help, in the following manner: "OMG WTF HOW DU U DO THIS ITZ IMPOSSIBLE WTFZORZ HOW U DO THIS".
The final subspecies of noob is the rarest of them all, the super-noob. If not properly handled by moderators and other forum/game authority, they can cause a lot of destruction and can severely damage a forum. The super-noob speaks only N00bish tongue and uses it's most ancient and complex form. It is similar to the advanced N00bish example shown above, but worse. Super-noobs are the worst kind of noob, excelling in every single trait of noob known to mankind. Noobologists are baffled by it's extreme degree of noobishness, and have yet to fully study them. It is rumored that super noobs can do damage equivalent to twenty noobs, however this is yet to be confirmed by noobologists, and is only speculation.
IV: Other info.
The higher ranks of noobs have their own primitive websites. Since their microscopic brains cannot allow them to actually code and design a website by themselves, they resort to free website maker like Freewebs and Wetpaint. It should be stressed that prolonged exposure to these websites can cause severe brain damage as they contain a virtually infinite amount of N00bish text.
Noobs apparently have their own customs, which allows them to flaunt their idiocy freely. They have been found to have some kind of connection to 1337, some sort of religion. They often practice some kind of ritual by posting a forum thread, which experts have yet to understand. Disturbing these rituals may lead to a noob uprising, which will cause a war that will last for about a week. During this time it is difficult to continue normal forum routine.
Section 4: Noob survival
I: Encountering a noob in the wild
You've encountered a noob in the wild, what do you do? The most important thing is to not panic. Noobs are more afraid of you than you are of them, however they are incredibly skilled at masking this fact. Putting them on an ignore list or reporting them will usually help and get rid of the problem. On multiplayer games, lead them to a PVP area (if possible, and if they keep annoying you) and threaten them. Quickly kill them before they flee. On a forum, it is suggested that you make one swift move and finish. If they get you to make repetitive arguments, they are most likely winning. Noobs do not accept defeat, and therefore will always win unless you don't continue arguing. The noob may be wrong, but they will never accept it.
II: Defeating a noob
Defeating a noob is truly a difficult task. If you truly have defeated a noob, that means they have been silenced, and in games, had their butt kicked. By silenced, I mean they willingly shut up. If they run out of things to say, they might stop talking or change the subject. Do not let them change the subject. If a noob has willingly shut up, they have indeed been defeated. Some experts have even managed to cure them of their noobiness all together, however this is a rare occurence. However, usually only moderators and other authority can truly defeat them by bringing out the banner hammer.
III: Avoiding noobs
Stay away from threads that sound stupid, and avoid chat rooms and other pages that have a reputation for noobs. Noobs generally tend to thrive on more popular forums. If you wish not to move forums, try to at least prevent them (next section). Noobs love to argue. If it's an intelligent subject they will say unintelligent things, usually irrelevant. Continue the discussion as if they weren't there. On a not so intelligent subject, they will still say unintelligent things, but they will argue garbage relevant to the subject. Usually their reasons make no sense and are generally stupid.
IV: Preventing noobs
It is up to you, the forum community, and especially the mods and admins, to prevent noobs from occuring in the first place. To keep noobs from thriving, try to defeat/report/ban one when you see one. Being a noob isn't a specific forum crime, but usually the actions associated with them are. If you see a noob being a noob, get them out before more noobs come and they thrive and make their own nubnests. With teamwork and a responsible moderation force, it is possible to fully eradicate a forum of all noobs.
Section 5: Noobishness
I: How to not be a noob
The worst kind of noob is you. You simply insult yourself with your noobishness. It is simple to not be a noob.
-Try to type with proper spelling, grammar, and punctuation more often. If you do, it'll make you virtually immune to the plague.
-Watch the way you act. If you see the signs indicated in Identifying a Noob are applying to you, try to stop doing that.
-Constantly criticize noobs. Being anti-noob is a great way to prevent yourself from being a noob.
II: Noob lore
I don't even remember what I wanted to put here.
III: Conclusion
Thanks for reading all this junk! I hope this guide gave you proper insight on noobs. I put lots of time and effort into this guide for the better of all mankind. If you wish to make an addition, just type it as a reply, and if I think it's good I will put it in the guide and credit you. HAVE A NICE DAY
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Originally Posted by thepro1998
