Everything Sad

Why do I push people away so easily? Its like intentionally wound them so they don't have to worry and be around me anymore...its so very weird...However I do that and everything but I'm still there longing for just one person to help me out of this horrible deep dark place that I reside in. I'm not sure if I'm drowning or moving up or down...its as if I was suspended in darkness...in my sorrows....and at the same time, I realize its not necessarily darkness litterally as in the figurative darkness ...

If today was my last day to see,
I’d look at you, my friends, and cry tears because I could never look upon you again.
If today was the last time to hear,
I’d ask you to sing me one song as farewell to my ability to hear your sweet voices.

If I could only say one more statement,
My last statement would be “I love you guys”
If today was my last day,
I’d laugh and say, screw you school! Then lay in the grass until I had to leave you.
...

do you know why we are always seeking love and warmth? because I dont...love is nothing that is in reality. All we can do is to pretend and lie to each other, isnt that true? Love means pain...thats all there is to it isnt it?

why even go through the trouble when you know you'll be long forgoten soon after when they get busy again [courtesy of Miyako from Ef]

Give it up...you and I werent meant to be from the beginning so it doesnt matter in the end what changes.. ...

well...I had a nice long chat with one of my friends who was trying to cure my depression, and it worked enough, it aleviated the pain for about an hour or two but now the pains comming back..and even when I felt better I still had the feeling that I was bleeding on the inside .-.

I just dont understand me anymore I guess...but is that truly possible to not know who you are? I'm me and that will always hold true, but when I change why is it like i become someone thats not me take ...

Soo, what kind of person do you see me as? because sometimes I think im too nice for my own good, but is it bad to be nice? anddd...I can be a push over ususally, and maybe I love people a bit to much..but do you consider that bad? and do I seem emo to you if I'm a cutter, and I'm anorexic to a certain degree? I'd like your opinions, because I need to get my head on straight for the first time in a few years.

btw: I almost made this a thread, but I prefered making it into a blog ...